Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
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I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don鈥檛 eat either of them
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You鈥檙e being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
If you want to set up a company and run it that鈥檚 your business.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
When you鈥檙e firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 馃挬
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn鈥檛 turn me on about that?
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.