astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
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Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
If you’re under 130 lbs and call yourself fat I’m sending all my actual fat friends to eat you.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex