@gvicks

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

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@ohmygrapeness

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

@NYC_Blonde

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

@Sanbel11

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

@FrenulumBreve

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

@VickieIronStone

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

@neiltyson

There’s just no way around this one: YOU MATTER, unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared, then YOU ENERGY.

@xxsomebunnyxx

The amount of people watching me put air in my tires in short jean shorts makes me think I should start a bikini car wash.

@UnicornSyrup

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

@MondayPajamas

Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.