@gvicks

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

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@TheHyyyype

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

@notstupidgaycat

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

@samalmightysam

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

@flashember

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

@QueenBbecT

If you’re under 130 lbs and call yourself fat I’m sending all my actual fat friends to eat you.

@mattZillaaaa

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

@KateWhineHall

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

@SlothSlouch

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex