Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
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“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*