Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
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I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.