Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
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Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Stop sending me this shit.