women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
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why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.