With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
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Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.