Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
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*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.