He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
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I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.