Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

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Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?


I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”


I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.


Me: We need to hire smarter people.

HR: Why?

Me: Is there someone smarter I can talk to about this?



Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.


Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.


My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.


Four uses I have for my guitar now:

1) fly swatter
2) wiffle ball bat
3) rug beater
4) oven pizza spatula thing