Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
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Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Well, that should do it
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct