Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
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My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.