Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

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shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch


are you the girl who has to type everything said in court?
I’m sorry
*looks back at prosecutor and answers his question as a dolphin*


Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?



When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”


What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog


People say you can be anything you want to be.

That’s bullshit because I really want to be asleep


Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.


Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.


I’ve been waking up with a headache for years

Unfortunately I’m married to it.