Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
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If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
when nothing goes right… go left
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house