*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
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shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
are you the girl who has to type everything said in court?
*looks back at prosecutor and answers his question as a dolphin*
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
People say you can be anything you want to be.
That’s bullshit because I really want to be asleep
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I’ve been waking up with a headache for years
Unfortunately I’m married to it.