@jakob_huber

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

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@IvoryGazelle

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

@murrman5

are you the girl who has to type everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*looks back at prosecutor and answers his question as a dolphin*

@sofarrsogud

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

@Jimmy_Smacks

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

@thatcarlygirl

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

@Delilah2141

People say you can be anything you want to be.

That’s bullshit because I really want to be asleep

@susie_qsie

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

@myboots111

I’ve been waking up with a headache for years

Unfortunately I’m married to it.