Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
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How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
yeah no that’s fair
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.