[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
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Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.