Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

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If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold


Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”


FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised


Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.


Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment


Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct