Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
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Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
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Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Life hack
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
when someone compliments me
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that