Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
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[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Feels like there should be a middle ground
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.