[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
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Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.