THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
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Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.