Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
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DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)