@murrman5: [tv interview] did you get upset? "that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself" don't do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

@jakob_huber: A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: "Go swimming, the water's great! And there's no sharks! P.S. this wasn't written by a shark"

@trims_the_fat: I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me. I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date Much more satisfying.

@man_spach: My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

@citizenkawala: Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don't even know where to begin with this