@SadMeterologist
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
@TheBoydP
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
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@SadMeterologist
@Julian_Epp
Cats (2019)
@thetigersez
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
@doktorj
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
@georgeattherock
“I’m going out”
• boring
• obvious
• might be illegal now?“I’m going outside for my state approved singular daily walk”
• Mysterious
• Kinda Soviet
• Good for public health
@HeSlimedMeRay
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
@difficultpatty
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
@jake_lach
Holy shit. I just realized this sales kid is treating me this way because he thinks I’m old
@MartaEffing
When I realized my boyfriend said we should ‘break up’ & not ‘break dance’,
I was sad, but also relieved.