*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

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Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is


Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?


me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no


What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.


got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price


Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.


Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right


Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.