Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
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Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.