*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

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My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.


Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.


“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.


“I’m going out”
• boring
• obvious
• might be illegal now?

“I’m going outside for my state approved singular daily walk”
• Mysterious
• Kinda Soviet
• Good for public health


My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.


Me: I feel like I look cute today.

Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.


Holy shit. I just realized this sales kid is treating me this way because he thinks I’m old


When I realized my boyfriend said we should ‘break up’ & not ‘break dance’,
I was sad, but also relieved.