@david8hughes: [throws a dart at map of the world] One day, I'm gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

@Ilovelamp1979: The elderly almost never expect a leg sweep.

@jenlaw_11: If a server comes to my table and asks 'hows everythin tasting?' mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

@3sunzzz: M: Yes, I'm here for the complimentary wine tasting. Priest: Ma'am, this is a church service. M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

@FuckabillyRex: My dog seems happy so I took her meds to see if they'd help me and I guess at least I won't have any ticks this summer.