*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
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A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*