SomeBODY once told me
My Whole Foods macaroni
Would be delivered by UPS
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
You Might Also Like
[text from wife]
I want a divorce
Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!
Haha, April fools
Said she was gonna send a pic of her “backyard’ . Turns out we weren’t on the same page
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Hangman is a weird game to let kids play. Hey kid, if you don’t think of this word, a random man will be put to death.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– who cares
– what does that even mean
“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– maybe you have a sword
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda