[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

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SomeBODY once told me
My Whole Foods macaroni
Would be delivered by UPS


[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

Haha, April fools


Said she was gonna send a pic of her “backyard’ . Turns out we weren’t on the same page


Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!


Hangman is a weird game to let kids play. Hey kid, if you don’t think of this word, a random man will be put to death.


Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.


“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword


1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…


Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda