Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
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oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer