“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
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[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Knock Knock
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha