Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
You Might Also Like
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs