woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
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Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*