woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
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[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Any refunds available?…
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt