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I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
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I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing