Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
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If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Just a reminder, folks:
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy