[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
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wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid