WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it


ME: fine there I looked now move the box


ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

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This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.


Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.


I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog


I can’t take this show seriously until they address the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog’s poops.


I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.


My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.


Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child


Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.


I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold in my backyard right up until the damn neighbor cat murdered all the actors.