WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
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3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Oh my god
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.