Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@schumoo

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

@baronvonbike

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

@shutupmikeginn

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

@AnnietheNanny1

My armpits smell like garlic bread.

Me, flirting

@AGreaterMonster

I can’t take this show seriously until they address the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog’s poops.

@Havish_AF

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

@karri_leigh

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

@GrantTanaka

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

@Zombie_Kitv2

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

@ryan9billion

I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold in my backyard right up until the damn neighbor cat murdered all the actors.