@PleaseBeGneiss

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

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@schumoo

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

@baronvonbike

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

@shutupmikeginn

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

@AGreaterMonster

I can’t take this show seriously until they address the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog’s poops.

@Havish_AF

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

@karri_leigh

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

@GrantTanaka

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

@Zombie_Kitv2

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

@ryan9billion

I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold in my backyard right up until the damn neighbor cat murdered all the actors.