@friendly_moon [hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
@PleaseBeGneiss WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
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@friendly_moon 
@ClichedOut (first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
@sixfootcandy *knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
@deankarrier Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
@FuckabillyRex Instead of a post-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
@sixfootcandy Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
@eugene_bosco Life is not a FAIRY TALE.
If you lose your shoes 👟👞
at midnight,
YOU ARE DRUNK
@LoveNLunchmeat People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
@CheeseDaydreams Let’s be honest, if I were to time travel to medieval Europe, I’d drink all the mead, and then promptly forget what I was there to do
@NewDadNotes Me: Alexa, watch our kids.
Alexa: ok.
Wife: wait, really?
Me: shhh, lets leave before she changes her mind!