WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
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I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.