@roxiqt

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

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@sssub23

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

@OakHill_

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

@thenoahkinsey

Gerard Butler: Can I get sugar?

Waiter: This is sugar.

*GB stands pissed*

GB: THIS..IS…SPLENDA!!

*GB kicks waiter through glass panel*

@Ygrene

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

@Shen_the_Bird

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

@blade_funner

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.

@longwall26

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

@Ben_Langley_

When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.

“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”

@Swishergirl24

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?