Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
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You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.