I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
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Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Gerard Butler: Can I get sugar?
Waiter: This is sugar.
*GB stands pissed*
*GB kicks waiter through glass panel*
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat
[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.
“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?