@hell_homer

words are just a big scam. they all just mean other words. so you keep on using even more and more words. that’s how they get you.

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@david8hughes

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

@stats_canada

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

@merrittk

cashier: youre so beautiful
me: thank you!
my brain: shes flattering u… to get u to buy more groceries…

@MissHavisham

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

@ibid78

Pouring water on someone’s head to promote something is kinda weird. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go baptize some babies.

@frogpissmouth

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

@3sunzzz

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

@pimecorp

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

@LoveNLunchmeat

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

@Birdhumms

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆