[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
words are just a big scam. they all just mean other words. so you keep on using even more and more words. that’s how they get you.
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cashier: youre so beautiful
me: thank you!
my brain: shes flattering u… to get u to buy more groceries…
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Pouring water on someone’s head to promote something is kinda weird. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go baptize some babies.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆