@SuitableHolmes

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

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@secondofhername

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

@GrantTanaka

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

@gruffybeard

Me: *walking through office with a big smile on my face*

Coworker: Wow, you sure do have a lot of pep in your step today! You get lucky last night?

[Flashback to that morning when I found 3 Doritos in my robe pocket getting out of shower]

Me: Yes.

@TheOneTrueDisco

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

@heyitsJudeD

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

@abhorrent_wife

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

@TedInModeration

Me: will you have my baby?
Her: omg yes!
Me: * hands her a baby…
* runs…

@KKAlThani

I was in a good mood when suddenly twitter went down & I ran over a blind man, tasered a baby, killed a puppy & set myself on fire.