Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

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The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.


dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy


Me: *walking through office with a big smile on my face*

Coworker: Wow, you sure do have a lot of pep in your step today! You get lucky last night?

[Flashback to that morning when I found 3 Doritos in my robe pocket getting out of shower]

Me: Yes.


You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*


Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!


Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.


Me: will you have my baby?
Her: omg yes!
Me: * hands her a baby…
* runs…


I was in a good mood when suddenly twitter went down & I ran over a blind man, tasered a baby, killed a puppy & set myself on fire.