Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
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If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?