Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
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A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Autocorrect completely socks