words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
You Might Also Like
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.