@hansabumsadaisy

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

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@NicestHippo

Thinking is hard, that’s why I appreciate websites telling me in advance how I will feel about the article

@Taco_Tatas

It’s freezing in my office, I wish I owned a Samsung Note 7.

@Reverend_Scott

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

@randomnloveit

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

@DaddyJew

Cop: are you currently under the influence of any mind altering substances?

Me: just that gorgeous smile of yours

Cop: get outta here

@bourgeoisalien

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

@taramae72

I just had a nun tell me she loves rum and coke, and that she doesn’t have a beer belly… it’s a “rummy tummy.”

You’re welcome.

@Celestinelea90

My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.

@dave_cactus

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

@amishschool

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.