#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.![]()
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“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
ME (calling my horse with no name):
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
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What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment