[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
You Might Also Like
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”