Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
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“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Monica just destroyed the internet
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England