[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
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ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill