@TheBoydP

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

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@FredTaming

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

@theevilwriter

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

@Smiilze

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

@WilliamAder

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

@david8hughes

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

@MindyFurano

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

@The_Grant_Boldt

Girlfriend: “babe it’s hot I need a fan”

[Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]

@patnspankme

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

@TheBananaFacts

Bananas will never talk shit about you. Not because they don’t have mouths….but because they respect the choices you make.