@Robert_Beau

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

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@CountGripsnatch

I’m no architect, but I don’t think it’s possible to build a city on rock and roll.

@OtherDanOBrien

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

@flashember

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

@meganamram

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

@whatmaddness

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

@unibrowbeater

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

@LackOfShame

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

@KalvinMacleod

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

@linanneblack

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”