Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
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Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
The cashier just checked me out.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.