Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
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I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.