WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
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Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem