Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
You Might Also Like
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
“TGIM!” – My liver