WORK TIP: If a coworker doesn’t answer your email in the first five minutes, show initiative by sending a follow up email saying, “What’s your problem?”

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Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.


It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.


Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?


I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.


[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”


Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.


Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.


I must be getting old…my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory


Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us!

Me: Why? Who’s celebrating their 12th birthday?


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