@Home_Halfway

WORK TIP: If a coworker doesn’t answer your email in the first five minutes, show initiative by sending a follow up email saying, “What’s your problem?”

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@PhilLaysheO

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

@jackmackenroth

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

@weedswildflowrs

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

@Masquerage

I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.

@Jeffwni

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

@welone1

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

@Elizasoul80

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

@Parker_Simpson

I must be getting old…my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory

@Mr_Kapowski

Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us!

Me: Why? Who’s celebrating their 12th birthday?

@RegularFred

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