WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
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DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat