*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
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Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did