@Home_Halfway

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

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@goldengateblond

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

@Donna_McCoy

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

@rw_powers

40% of divorces stem from $ issues.

40% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 20% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

@Parkerlawyer

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

@3sunzzz

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

@TheHyyyype

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

@EJT___

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

@Michabean

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.