{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
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That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
welcome back
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
beware of dog
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.