[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
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Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Print is alive and well!!!
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Today’s Times
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Oh hi lol
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.