“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
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I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Who decided to call it a proctologist and not an analyst?
Of course Jesus saves. He’s Jewish.
Here’s some music you didn’t want to hear.
– wind chimes
Mom: You need to get a hobby.
Me: Like photography?
Mom: I don’t think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.