Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

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I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.


EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented


To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.


Who decided to call it a proctologist and not an analyst?


Here’s some music you didn’t want to hear.

– wind chimes


Mom: You need to get a hobby.

Me: Like photography?

Mom: I don’t think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.