Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
You Might Also Like
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.